


I'll love you when you can't love yourself

by YunaDragneel



Series: Klance week 2k16 [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Day 4 Free day prompt, Depressed Lance, Klance Week 2016, Lots of Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 11:17:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7712827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YunaDragneel/pseuds/YunaDragneel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something was going on and he cared for Lance's wellbeing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll love you when you can't love yourself

Keith knew Lance was hiding something. The transformation to Voltron became less smooth every time they tried, it was always Lance who seemed the most troubled with this. He was exhausted most of the time and Allura and Shiro scolded him when something went awry. Keith wasn't sure if it was the right thing for them to do. Something was going on and he cared for Lance's wellbeing.

 

It was the middle of the night when Keith got up for a nightly stroll through the castle. He passed Lance's room and heard muffled sounds from inside. Carefully he knocked, waiting for a bit before entering the room. It was a mess. Everything was strewn across the floor, clothes the bedsheets. Lance cowered in front of his bed, hands clamped over his ears, whimpering.

“Lance?” Keith asked quietly, inching closer to Lance who looked like a scared cat.

“Keith…?”

“What happened?” Lance looked at him for a moment before he laughed.

“I couldn't sleep.”

“You don't thrash your room when you can't sleep.” Keith raised his eyebrows at the blue paladin.

“I'm okay Keith. Don't worry.” Keith didn't believe him.

 

It became a nightly routine, Keith walking by Lance's room, finding it in shambles and Lance telling him he just couldn't sleep. And everytime Keith left again. He never saw the blank expression on Lance's face when he turned. He never heard the breaths, the quiet whispers of Lance asking him not to go. And Keith left every damn time.

 

The night was quiet around Lance as he laid in bed, his head, his thoughts creating so much noise he couldn't sleep. It kept on turning and turning, every thought leading to a dozen others. He tugged at his hair, hoping the pain would deter the thoughts in his head. But even this created more and more thoughts. A choked sob escaped his throat as he got up and paced around the room, eventually tugging a few things to the ground. Doing something that might help him find his peace. 

But nothing ever worked. Why would it? He hated this, he hated himself. It was too much. Too much. Lance backed up against the wall, banging his shoulder against it. He just wanted one night. One goddamn night of sleep. Was that too much to ask? He dug his nails into his already bruised shoulder, creating more pain, maybe drawing some blood underneath his clothes. He knew that he should stop. He should quit doing this. But he couldn't, he needed the pain because at least he felt something then. At least the numbness couldn't get him that way. But even after some time his nails didn't do the job anymore.

He bit down on the base of his index finger as hard as he dared. As hard as it was painful. Tears stung in his eyes, as he firmly kept his bite. He shouldn't feel frustrated, he knew. But yet he couldn't help it. The pain eased the frustration, the frustration subsiding freed the ugly depression inside him. The numbness. The vastness of space inside him. Whatever made him question his importance in life. If he was worth anything.

_ Don’t kid yourself, you're nothing.  _ Lance bit a bit harder.  _ It's no use. No one is there. No one can hear you. _

“Stop,” he whimpered, tears threatening to spill again.

_ You're useless. Everyone thinks so. Why else would they scold you so much? You fucked up when forming Voltron. _

“I didn't mean to, I'm sorry!” His finger was getting numb as he bit a little harder to feel the pain again.

“Lance?” Keith stood in the door, worriedly glancing over to him.

_ Look at how perfect Keith is. You can't even compare to him in the slightest.  _ Lance choked out a sob as Keith walked closer. The red paladin grabbed his wrist gently, running his other hand gently through Lance's hair, coaxing him into opening his mouth slightly, so Keith could pull his hand away. Lance's index finger was bruised purple and Keith inspected it carefully.

“I'm sorry,” Lance choked, feeling ashamed of himself. “I'm sorry Keith, I'm sorry.”

“It’s okay Lance. Talk to me.” Keith guided the blue paladin out of the room towards the shared bathroom, where he sat Lance down on one of the benches. In the light Keith realized he looked even worse, his teeth had pierced the skin, blood on his finger.

“I'm sorry.” He didn't dare to look at Keith, afraid of what he might see. But Keith also didn't force him to look at him.

“You didn't sleep.” The red paladin noted. “Is it your thoughts that mess you up?” Lance quietly nodded. “What are your thoughts telling you?”

“No one's there. I’m useless and no one cares. I fuck up too much, I'm worth nothing.” It was a quiet reply. “I'm not important. I don't matter to the team.” Keith listened, holding Lance's injured hand carefully. “And it's true. I have no redeeming qualities. Nothing that makes me valuable to the team. I'm just there, and there could always be someone who replaces me.” Somehow Lance could hear Blue’s sad hum in his mind, a sound that tells him she cares. “Everyone else has a purpose. I don't.” Keith tightened his grip on Lance's hand, still careful he didn't touch the bruised finger. The silence dragged on. And Keith was sure this wasn't the only thing Lance thought but he didn't divulge more.

“Listen carefully Lance. You are a valuable member of the team. The blue lion chose you for a reason and I'm sure the lions don't make mistakes. She chose you as her paladin Lance and that makes you special. Blue is worried about you otherwise she wouldn't have asked Red to wake me up to look after you.” Keith continued to look at Lance with a firm gaze. “You have qualities which are unique to you. That one time you realized it wasn't Rover who got into the control room and saved Coran from certain death. You froze the falling Galra tower to save the Balmera. Lance if it hadn't been for you all of us might have died already. You keep calm and think things through. You have quick plans and you trust everyone of us. And we all trust you.” Keith turned Lance's hand so his palm faced up and placed his other hand inside his, gently letting it rest on Lance's palm. “You trained alongside everyone you made progress and your control over your bayard is flawless.”

“But I don't feel like I'm doing all this too well.”

“Do you trust me Lance?” The blue paladin nodded his fingers playing with Keith's wrist. “Then trust my words.” Lance wanted to say something but Keith continued. “I understand it's hard. But please try. I don't expect you to be able to do it right now. I just need you to try.” Lance nodded and Keith smiled at that. “Now let's patch up your finger. Did you hurt yourself elsewhere?”

“I scratched my shoulder.” Lance took off his shirt and Keith winced at the sight of his shoulder. It was bruised and bloody and Keith nodded. “I'm going to patch you up now okay?” Keith dug through the cabinets, a few Altean cubes in his sight and he could decipher a few which had healing and cooling functions.

“What are you boys doing up?” Shiro stood in the door, rubbing his eyes and glancing at them. Lance tensed, automatically flinching away and hiding his bruises. Shiro sucked in a breath, his eyes fixed on Lance's shoulders.

“Shiro don't look at me!” Lance whimpered, hiding his face.

“Lance it's okay. Shiro is just worried,” Keith returned to his side, got a good glimpse on all the scars on his shoulder, “He’s not going to be mad, it's okay Lance.” Shiro walked over to Lance, kneeling in front of him.

“Hey buddy, I don't know what's wrong but you can talk to me,” his voice was soft and Lance dared to look at him.

“I'm sorry Shiro.” He didn't focus on him. “Keith, can you…”

“Sure.” Keith sat down beside Lance and looked at Shiro. “Lance has a few troubles with his thoughts. His thoughts keep him up at night.”

“What kind of thoughts?” Shiro asked carefully.

“I'm worthless,” Lance whispered, “No one's there. I’m expendable, no one needs me.” Shiro reached up to pet Lance's head.

“No one thinks you're worthless,” he said, his voice firm, “I'm sorry for scolding you so much Lance. I didn't know this was on your mind.”

“Shiro I don't-”

“No Lance. I should've been mindful. I should've noticed something.”

“Passing blame doesn't help now. We should focus on Lance getting better.” Keith replied, taking Lance's hand and applying the contents of one of the Altean cubes of medicine. Lance winced a little and Shiro pet his head softly. “Shiro bandage his finger, I'll take care of his shoulder.” The black paladin nodded and carefully wrapped a bandage around Lance's finger. Keith rubbed the ointment onto his shoulder and Lance felt embarrassed. He was being a bother to his teammates.

_ You don't deserve this. They are too good for you. _

“Lance.” Keith's voice made him focus on him. “Don't think you're anything less.” The blue paladin nodded.

“Keith is right.”

“I know.” Lance paused. “Thank you.” He yawned, his eyes drooping slightly.

“You’re going to sleep in my room tonight.” Keith's voice didn't let Lance object and he honestly didn't want to refuse. Maybe he could sleep.

 

Shiro had accompanied them to Keith's room, Lance fidgeting with the bandage on his finger. He felt like he was intruding even if it had been Keith's suggestion.

“Okay, Keith, Lance, I'm going to leave this to you two now. Sleep well, I'll be a few rooms over so if you need something you’ll find me.” The two paladins nodded.

“Thanks.” Keith opened the door to his room, let Lance in first and followed when Shiro walked away. “You can take the bed-”

“I don’t want to take away your bed… There's more than enough room for the both of us if…” He trailed off, scuffing his feet on the ground. Keith shurgged.

“If you're comfortable with it then we can do that.” Lance nodded at that looking up at Keith again, who motioned him to lay down. The blue paladin carefully climbed into the bed, turning so his back was up against the wall. Keith laid down beside him, draping the blankets up over them both. He faced Lance, studied his face. “How are you feeling?” Lance paused for a bit, closing his eyes 

“I'm… okay.” He was quiet. “I feel like I'm being a bother and I should've hidden it better and-”

“Then you’re not okay,” Keith muttered. He reached out to put his hand on Lance's cheek, stroking his cheek softly with his thumb. “Lance I want you to be honest with me.”

“Okay.” Pause. “Hey Keith? Can I… tell you something?”

“Go ahead.”

“I think you're perfect and that I can never compare to you…”

“I'm not perfect Lance. I’m far from perfect.”

“To me you are.” Lance shuffled closer to Keith. “I don’t even know how to put it in words. But… I like you a lot Keith.” He paused. “But I never think someone could like me back seeing the fucked up person I am. I can't even like myself so no one could like me.”

“That's not true. Even if you can't love yourself, that doesn't hinder other people from loving you.” Keith pulled Lance closer. “It doesn't stop me from loving you.” Lance's breath hitched.

“Keith I’m sure… you don't-”

“Stop. Lance you can't tell me what I feel. I know what my feelings say. And I love you. Nothing changes that.” Keith heard him sniffle, waiting for a bit. “Lance are you okay?”

“Yeah. I… I just didn't think somone could love me after seeing how fucked up I am,” he choked, “I'm scared of disappointing you.”

“You won't.” Keith kissed his cheek. “There is nothing you can do to disappoint me. I’ll be there for you.” Lance wrapped his arm around Keith, burying his face in Keith's chest, crying softly.

“Thank you…”

“Now sleep. You need it.” Lance nodded and Keith ran his hands through his hair. After a few minutes his breath steadied, fast asleep. “Good night Lance. I’ll be there when you wake up.”

**Author's Note:**

> Urgh the flight yesterday messed me up and I had so much to do. So the day 4 fic is a lil late.


End file.
